Men have it easy, right? Maybe in the gym, but definitely not in the bedroom! As much as I've talked about how society has harmed women and non-binary people, the struggles go just as deep for many men! It just hits them in different ways. Almost anyone raised as a man was told from birth to "act like a man". I want to redefine what acting like a man actually means.
It all started when you were born with a cock, or what appeared to mostly be a cock (what's up intersex people raised as men). The doctor proclaimed, "it's a boy!". And from that point on we grow up very different lives. Some parents believe that their boy infant should be more tough, independent, and stronger than their girls. This can lead them to care for their baby boy differently, leaving them to cry more than a girl to "toughen them up", or offering less physical affection. An emotionally expressed infant boy may be met with distance from a parent. This starts them down the path of becoming emotionally distant adults. Studies have even shown that many parents use different vocabulary and tone with their boys, even in infancy, setting up the stage for their future vocabulary and tone around vulnerability, love, and affection.
You see, it's the caregiver relationship that we develop starting at birth that really affects how we relate to other humans throughout our lives, especially our intimate partners. This is true for all children. And boys are more likely to be treated more independently. This could cause them to be more avoidant with their future partners, preferring to mirror the relationship with their caregivers, unknowingly. Remember that the brain needs to be accepted by its caregivers. This is a life-or-death situation for the brain. So, there's a lot hidden in the neural pathways of the brain that make us do what we do in intimate relationships.
Next, boys and girls are treated very differently by religion, school, and society. Religion often enforces strict gender roles. Even controlling the life paths that boys vs. girls can take. Girls are often led down more nurturing paths like teaching and motherhood. Where boys are often told only they can be in leadership roles, only their inheritance matters, and they get special access to certain practices that women aren't invited to. This slowly begins to show men that in many ways they are more important, more intelligent, and more special. Boys are not born with the idea that men are better than women, but this kind of upbringing unconsciously programs them for inequality, which will show up in their intimate hetero relationships as well.
In school, they are told that their thoughts and urges are normal and natural, and it's a girl's job to make sure he isn't tempted. Girl's dress codes are much more complex and enforced than a boy's ever is. A boy can take his shirt off whenever he wants and flaunt his nipples, whereas girl's nipples are shameful and hidden. Boys are often also led to believe that being affectionate or sensitive with their guy friends will make them weak, or womanly, or gay. So, even though deep down they do crave closer intimacy with their male friends, they often push those feelings down very early on. And in school nowadays, porn is not hard to find. In 2024, the average age of a kid getting their first phone was 10-12 years old. And all it takes is one parent not putting on the kid controls, and porn is like an open faucet in schools. The damage that's being done to young boy's minds with unlimited access to porn is devastating. It creates unrealistic ideas of what sex is, and their role in it. And it also disconnects sex from love and relationships, leading many boys to assume their cock has a "mind of it's own".
And society is also no help, enforcing strict gender roles, downplaying men's destructive behavior, and encouraging men to not feel their emotions. Many men feel as though their only role is to provide for their family, and as long as they're doing that, it's all good (hello to my own grandfather). However, when they go to attempt this, they find many struggles. Sure, it may work for a while, but their partners eventually want something deeper. They want more emotions, more pleasure, more vulnerability. And men, for the most part, are out of luck here. Often not having any role models, or even friends, to show them what a healthy, vulnerable relationships actually looks like. Society has failed men, even though it was built for them.
Patriarchy hurts men just as much as it hurts women, just in very different ways. Whereas women were put in a submissive role in patriarchy, men were put in dominant roles. But they were never taught what true dominance is, and they may not even want that role. Research suggests that about a third of men prefer submissive roles when given the freedom to do it, and about a third of men prefer to switch between the two depending on the scenario. That leaves only about one third who only prefer the dominant role. So, they are often being boxed into dominant roles with almost no healthy training on how to do that.
You also can't take away women's power and not have that affect men's power. I think one of the most destructive things that patriarchy did was take away women's authentic, natural, and wild sexuality, because a man can't truly be authentic, natural, and wild if no one was given that permission. Men cheat at higher rates than women. This may be because they're looking for that wildness, even though when they were searching for their long-term partner, they didn't prioritize it. Men are often taught that women who have more sex are not good enough to marry. So, they have to choose, and often find that choice to be the death of their relationships. When you disconnect women, the life givers, from their life-giving power, men cannot follow women into the mystery, and then no one is connected to that power. A very rare male exists who can discover this life-giving power through their cocks alone. A man can learn to become the mystery, but most often finds it through the nourishment, love, and wildness of the womb, or the feminine energy.
Men are also sexually abused at very high rates, and it's often ignored, disregarded, or laughed at. 1 in 3 women have been sexually abused in their life, while 1 in 5 men have been. These are HUGE numbers of men. And when they do report things (which is rare), they aren't given the support system many women have had to create. They are fighting this impossible battle alone, and that surely affects how they relate to their partners.
Until very recently, the vast majority of men had their first sexual experience with another person. Today, they are having their most formative sexual experiences with porn. Porn is often an act that is hidden from their caregivers, so it also creates this taboo response in their sexuality, something to be ashamed of. Many men are also exploring their cocks in families that would be disgusted to find out what they were doing. So, there is also a sense of rushed secrecy. This leads men to masturbate with the sole purpose of ejaculation as quickly as possible, with the assistance of graphic images, training them to not explore their whole bodies, and rush to the final scene. They are almost never taught that orgasm and ejaculation are two separate things.
So, men are raised to disconnect from their emotions beginning in infancy, that inequality exists between us, that physical intimacy is not welcome through their childhood, that they have to be dominant (but aren't taught how), and they are taught most of their sexuality through porn. They are told over and over that this is what it means to "be a man".
But what does true masculinity look like? Well, it starts with vulnerability and a willingness to feel all of your emotions. Every human has the capacity to feel every emotion. And your willingness to feel your emotions is directly linked to your ability to be in relationship with other humans. Masculinity is not fragile. The success, looks, or opinions of their partner is not an attack to a true masculine partner, but a celebration! Masculinity is resilient. Healthy masculinity is also connected in the cock, the heart and the mind. Only unbalanced, unintegrated sexuality is found solely in the cock. Being a man shouldn't be defined by his aversion to touch and intimacy, but his willingness to be moved by it. Masculinity is about presence with what is, not an expectation of what should be. Masculinity is also about containment, and his ability to hold safer space for his partner. This isn't caught up in expectations about dominance and submission. Dominance and/or submission should come from a place of deep desire and knowledge.
And masculinity is more than all of this, too! Masculinity is so many things, and I don't have the time or knowledge of all of these things to share here. Don't let anyone tell you that masculinity is one specific thing. It is a multitude of things! Men are kaleidoscopes within healthy, expressed masculinity, but they are static in "act like a man" culture.
Why am I saying all this as a woman? Because I believe that we can build a better society together. One that is built on expansive views of what men, women, and non-binary people can be. And I can't do that without men. Women have been fighting this fight for centuries, and it often feels like, to us, that we are fighting alone. But I know that there are men out there who want to break out of this cycle, too. Often just as bad as we want you to! This is to give you the permission you need. You are not gay if you want this. You are not a woman if you want this. You are a man, who wants epic pleasure (like the kind that fills your life up with energy), divine love (not just surface level), and transformative relationships (that are celebrated, surrendered, and powerful).
And you probably won't get those things if you stick to your original programming. This society is not set up to create powerful, present, emotionally resilient men. You'll have to start taking accountability for yourself and finding the healing you need. I love working with men. Using a combination of ancient Tantra techniques combined with cutting edge comatic healing I can help you find the healthy masculinity that you've been craving your entire life. If you're ready to step into your true power, and transform your sex, love, and relationships as you do it, then let's chat. I offer a complimentary Bliss Blueprint Discovery Call to help discover if this work is aligned for you! Check out my offering here: www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching
INSPRIED ACTION: Maybe it's time to start taking stock of all the non-resilient, unhealthy things you were taught in childhood about what it means to act like a man. Maybe you think you've logically thought your way out of those old programs, but is the nervous system response still active in your system? This will make it almost impossible to truly go deeper. Are your relationships built on static roles, or flexible archetypes?
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