I was out on playa for 13 days this year. Burning Man. The legendary city in the desert that we build once a year. This year I gave many gifts. Of course, my workshops were a huge gift. I taught 3 publicly and 1 for camp only. My camp is Naked Heart, and we gave over 200 workshops in 8 days. All for free. Our individual and collective gift to the playa. Because Burning Man runs on a gifting economy. You give, and then you take. It doesn't have to be equal, and it's not a trade. Pure gifting for the sake of gifting. But what I received in return is not equal to what I gave.
This year I took my power back from those who had stolen it. This year I showed up as the Goddess and followed her. This year I became known as the spiritual leader of camp and got to feel that power. Power has always been something very comfortable for me. I've never shied away from it. My childhood trauma came with the amazing gift of clarity, independence, and trust in my own ability. It would be easy to wish it all never happened, but I so clearly see how it shaped me, so I'm grateful for it all.
This year I stood in my totality of power. And it was seen as compassionate and soft but strong. You see, when I lean into the Goddess and let her lead, I lead different. I show up different. Power didn't scare me before, but showing up in my softness is new. Learning that people will listen even when I speak softly but firmly is new. Trusting the words without even thinking about them is new.
Because leading a camp of almost 200 people is a challenge. There are so many powerful leaders converging on Naked Heart. And there are so many damaged people as well. Leading Naked Heart is not some default world endeavor, but something entirely different. I didn't want to use the rules of the default to govern Naked Heart. And what I've found is a camp that honors and reveres the Goddess as she expresses herself through me and everyone else she is awakened in. I see a care and respect that I don't see many other places.
We don't just build a party in the desert. We build a network of souls to give our gifts to. We build art and music and connections. We build what we wish we saw in the default. And we don't rely on others to do it for us. We take the reins and try new things and change the rules and make up new ones. Burning Man is a chance to rewrite our collective and individual stories! And this year I rewrote my victimhood into leadership.
There were many times in the past few months since the assault that I cowered from my power. That I gave it away to substances and tv and sex and escaping. I didn't know if I was the right person to co-lead Naked Heart. But each day I let myself stand in it, with so much support from the people around me who were also committed to Naked Heart. Some days felt impossible, some days I wanted to give up and quit. Some days it took everything I had to send another email. And the Burn crept closer and closer. I had never felt unprepared for the Burn before, but this time everything fell apart at every turn, and I learned again and again to trust the Goddess. That she had my back.
And something changed as I stepped out onto the playa for the first time this year. It was a full-on wind storm the moment our tires hit the dust. Heavy winds carrying tiny particles causing brush burn on my exposed legs. Chaos and confusion carrying on the wind. And that wind knocked something loose in me. The trauma that was holding on so tight couldn't bear the dust and it let go. And there in the line to enter the gate I stood in my power for the first time in months. I was transported to another world in that line, and all of the Burn I stood deeply in my compassionate and firm power.
I forgot about the default world that I left behind on the pavement. I entered into a fever dream, an alternate reality, a chance to be something different. I forgot I had even lost my power. I stood tall and fierce and soft. I trusted. I waited. I listened. I acted. I often acted even before the thoughts could surface. Pure Goddess. I saw with her eyes. I felt with her heart. And I saw her in the eyes of so many others.
I entered a portal this Burning Man that led me directly to my open heart. To my compassionate leadership. To my love for all. Because when I was assaulted, I closed my heart immediately. I stopped being vulnerable. I cowered from my power. But the dust is a cleansing bath. And when it enveloped me, I emerged anew.
Yes, this Burn had amazing experiences, sunrises at the trash fence, connections, friendships, and love. This Burn had all the things you might think of a essential experiences. And it also carried with it transformation, healing, and opening. I've never needed the Burn to be this before. That's what makes the Burn so special. That's what keeps people coming back year after year! The Burn is not what you want, it's what you need. And somehow it knows perfectly what that is for you. And if you're open to it, the magic of the playa will give you everything you deserve.
I'm still integrating these lessons into my default life. Luckily, my default life isn't so different from my Burn. I'm so grateful for every single person who supported me through my life. Especially my partner, Sweet Potato. Without his support, love, trust, and care I don't think I would be where I am today. We just spent our second Burn together and it was even more magical than the first. He's my Emperor, my dream, my cheerleader, my workshop assistant, and my Daddy. This Burn really showcased our love for each other. And in ways where I was also so free to experience my own transformation. I love how we can exist together and separately, and that no matter how separate we are I know he is there for me. I almost forgot to even mention him in this post because he cares for me so seamlessly that it becomes the backdrop of so much of my life. But it would be careless to not mention him. He is the ship that I sail in. He is the bubble that holds my world. He is the Shiva to my Shakti.
And beyond partnership this year I found a new depth of friendship and kinship with my fellow Vita Sisters! This year 6 incredible Vita coaches joined Naked Heart. And I got the chance to go deep with all of them! I truly cannot speak enough about the incredible bonds between us women! And to see how we show up in the world with this shared desire and training. It was one of my greatest joys this Burn to show the ways of the dust to you ladies.
Thank you, Burning Man, for yet another beautiful transformation. And thank you Sweet Potato for creating the container in which I can feel so safe, loved, and seen to go into these legendary places to transform. And thank you Vita Sisters for the love, encouragement, and magic. My heart is burst open. My power is beautiful. My life is a dream. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
INSPIRED ACTION: How is your heart? Is it open? Closed? Half? What can you do today to start to open it for yourself? What sparks your heart's joy?
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