These were the words that made it out of my mouth as my Uber driver reached over to grope me. Everything turned slow motion, and I slunk away from him in the front seat. The car was moving and my brain went into survival mode. I just needed to get out of this car as soon as possible. As soon as there was room on the shoulder, I told him this was my stop and was relieved that he pulled over. I ran out of the car and away from him, checking behind me to make sure he wasn't following. It was broad daylight, I was sober, and he did this. What might he have done in the middle of the night to a girl who was fucked up?
The worst part of all of it was that this was one of the most amazing nights of my life. And yet, instead of writing about that story, I'm writing about this one. So, let me take a moment to celebrate the absolutely incredible night that ensued immediately after that.
I was in an Uber to get to the Gorge Amphitheatre to see Odesza's final show of their tour. They were out of camping passes, so we had to stay at a hotel. I was gifted a ticket to this show by some friends who I met hosting trivia. I played Odesza occasionally, and lots of other weird EDM music, so they knew I would love it. And Odesza is one of my top 5 DJ's of all time! What I didn't know is that they were also VIP backstage passes because they are friends with Odesza's booking manager!
I took a few breaths to myself before I met up with them because I wanted to focus on the night, not the disgust that had just happened to me. So, we went into the show together and I got to discover the joy of being in the core circle of Odesza for a night! The core Odesza crew had the most amazing VIP area on the hill just above the sound tent in the center. I haven't had a view to a show like this EVER. I'm 5'3" and can never see anything happening on the stage no matter where we stand. I knew every song they played and danced all night in absolute fucking awe of their performance, visuals, pyrotechnics, and fireworks!
The only reason I hadn't bought tickets to this one is that I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the summer that I was only going to go to festivals/shows this summer if I was teaching there or was gifted tickets. So, you can imagine my utter surprise when I was offered these tickets a week and a half before the show!!! Literally freaked out!
We watched the entire show from this epic space then after it was over we got backstage and went to the afterparty! I met Odesza, and got to chat briefly with Clay. It was such a dream, and he's so kind! I was freaking out on the inside the whole time, but I think I kept it cool. Haha! Honestly, so many moments from that night were mind blowing and I got to see the final show that Odesza was playing in this tour!
But as the night started to wear off, the Uber driver kept crossing my mind. His grubby hand thinking he deserved to TOUCH the Goddess! Anger is usually my first emotion in most traumatic situations. How dare he! It took until Monday for me to move to sadness. Monday morning I cried as I told my best friend and housemate, Dave, what had happened. He was the first to say that groping is assault.
Something I've said before many times is that I believe in reporting non-consensual touch. Because reporting helps build a case against someone. And I do not believe this man should be in the powerful position of getting women safely to their destinations. Well, this was my chance to put my money where my mouth is. If I believed in reporting, I should report it.
It turned out to be very difficult emotionally to report it. First, just figuring out how to report it and who to report it to. Next, actually talking to a police officer, who I wasn't sure would believe me. Then following through with whatever happens to make sure this man never drives for a ride-share again. And considering all the mess that will arise from reporting it. Will he go to jail? Will he lose his job? Will he hate me forever? Will he keep groping women in his Uber? Or will literally nothing happen except he finds out my name and address and stalks me forever? Many times, I thought that it would just be easier to not report it. Yet, I pushed through.
It took me the whole day to get it all together and report it.
Because there's a position of power that the driver or a car has. When the car was moving and he was groping me, I was not sure if he would stop the car. There was a fear that kept me in a people pleasing state so I could figure a way out of the car. Don't be too aggressive and he might get violent. Don't make him think you're disgusted, or he could double down. Don't smile or he might think you like it. But don't frown or he might get angry. At any moment he could have just sped up the car more and I would have been stuck. I don't know what's going through his mind to do this to someone in the middle of the day. The possibilities were endless, and my brain had one mission: to get out of that car asap.
I have to make a case to the police officer that there is a position of power at play and there is a weapon, the car. Had some strange man on the street done this to me... like many have before... it wouldn't be as scary because I wasn't stuck in a car with him. The car makes it inherently more complex. And the conviction rate for these kinds of crimes is less than 3%. Everything seems to be stacked against the victim at every turn.
All the scenarios run through my head now of what he could do to someone else. Or what he has already done to someone else. Has anyone else reported him? Does he have a record with Uber? Will anything actually happen to him? Will he try to retaliate if he finds out who I am and where I live? Endless scenarios kept me up last week. Still keep me up.
I'm glad I'm going through this though. I'm glad I know what to do now when this happens. I'm glad I know that I'm strong enough to report it. I'm glad I have the kind of life that let me take a week off to deal with it. I'm glad I have a partner who is willing to drop his plans and come support me. I'm glad I have such amazing friends and family that they all believed me and wanted me to report it. I'm glad to be safe right now, in this moment.
I always know the Goddess puts me in certain situations for a reason. And it's not that I deserve these things, but I already see the silver lining. This isn't the worst thing to happen to me. This isn't even the worst time I've been groped. I can handle this. That doesn't make healing easy. It just makes it possible.
I'm here for you if you ever need to chat about being assaulted or sexually assaulted by someone. I had so much support around me that made it a lot easier, and it breaks my heart that some people don't have that. If you know me, then call me anytime and I'll be there for you. If you don't know me then you can book a free chat with me here: www.lonateachesbliss.com/chat
I believe in reporting, and I believe in supporting victims so that they become survivors. The odds are stacked against us, especially us women, trans, and non-binary people. At every turn it seems like the law favors the perpetrator. But together, we can find justice, peace, and harmony.
INSPIRED ACTION: Don't touch people without explicit, enthusiastic consent. I see it happen time and again. I would say several times a year I get non-consensually touched, and not just accidentally touched in a crowd, like intentionally touched without consent. So, let me say it very clearly. Don't Touch Me. Don't touch anyone if you don't have consent. If you're not sure don't touch them. If you accidentally touch someone apologize. And if you feel like you've never actually gotten a real training on how to ask for consent, then I offer a Private Workshop online or in-person called Conscious Touch that takes a 3-hour deep dive into what consent really is and how to get and receive everything you've ever wanted! Check it out here: Conscious Touch - Private Workshop | Lona Teaches Bliss
Comments