Tantra is sometimes called the rebel path. This is because from its beginnings it pushed up against what normal society expected of you and encouraged people to live an alternative path. I didn't discover Tantra until later in life, but oh did I know how to be the rebel! From a very early age I recognized that my Catholic upbringing had some major pitfalls that no one was willing to answer for me. I recognized that the traditional path to marriage was broken. I saw that love was love and didn't understand why people hated some types of love so much. I saw the trap that was laid in the food they fed us. And I found non-traditional types of sexual pleasure that they told us was evil. I imagine there are ways you've rebelled if you're reading this with me. I tend to draw in the alternative people. But how can you fully embody the rebel and find liberation?
I've found that my inner teen is the part in me that identifies with the rebel the most. She is many things. Merciless. Unforgiving. Vengeful. Loyal. Protective. And she is most definitely the rebel. As an adult I think it's easier to rebel. You're likely living on your own away from your family. You are making your own choices. You are free to think and say what you want. It's still difficult to go against your family and upbringing, but at least you can do it on your own.
But as a teen, it's bold being the rebel.
I still don't understand my teen logic of being everything my mother didn't want me to be when she was 100% the hand that fed me. It must have been so frustrating for her to still support and love me when I was wearing goth outfits, telling her I wasn't going to get married, partying, refusing to go to church, sleeping with boys, and lecturing her on the idiocy of Catholicism. I think I wanted her to kick me out to prove to her that she didn't love me as I was. But she never did. She let me be exactly as I was. Maybe because she quickly realized that anything she told me not to be was my immediate next destination. Maybe it's because she was a really amazing mom. I'm so grateful that I got to explore all the rebel sides of myself in the safety of her home. But damn I bet she hated me for a few of those years. Haha!
I was not the quiet rebel, and I was not afraid to push people to their edges in hopes that they would see the craziness of their actions. My teenage tactics rarely worked at changing people's minds. I guess it's not a great methodology to just yell at people and make fun of their deeply held beliefs. But I didn't know any better.
I think of those years with admiration for who I was becoming, and embarrassment for how I acted in so many ways. But I look at those years as true embodiment of the rebel path. Just with a lack of knowledge and power. I wasn't afraid to forge my own path. I didn't know exactly where I wanted to go, but I knew it wasn't where they told me to go. Rebellion was my safety in a world of people desperate to fit in.
And I know this was a symptom of my trauma, too. I often longed for the Lona I would have become without the trauma. I begged the universe to take it all back. I cried for the loss. But today I can say that I wouldn't change a thing. I needed to be the rebel back then. It shaped my path so I could stand here today. I fear that I wouldn't be on this earth at all without my rebellion. I fear the teenage Lona who didn't fight back, who submitted to society. She would've tried to die so many times to escape it. Rebellion for me was life. It gave me purpose and emotion and acceptance from the weirdos who supported me. Those friends didn't know they were keeping me alive. They were maybe the only things keeping me alive. Our shared rebellion kept us close and kept us hopeful. And I lead a lot of it. Fully embodied in my rebellion.
And today I stand here a matured rebel. With a much deeper understanding of why we rebel, how to rebel, and how to balance my rebel (my inner teen) with the rest of my parts so we can live a blissful life. Because a blissful life doesn't mean perfect, it doesn't mean easy, it doesn't mean clean. Sometimes you have to get dirty. And there is bliss in that dirt, too.
So, here's a practice for embodying your inner rebel. Because you can't hold back a part of yourself and still hope to be whole. It's important to find time to fully drop in to the rebel. To let the other pieces take the back seat for a time. And to allow the hatred, anger, injustice, shame, guilt, and passion of the rebel to come through. By allowing this full drop in, you can start to create a relationship to your inner rebel, and become the mature rebel in the rest of your life. But you can't mature if you don't fully feel what needs to be felt.
Set the Space: Start by finding a space you can make noise, yell, jump, and punch pillows in. If someone can hear you then you won't go all the way in.
Add music: You may want to add music to help you let go. Maybe even playing songs from your teenage years that were really rebellious.
Liberatory Breath: Breathe through your mouth with no break between the inhale and exhale. Breathe heavy. And liberate the sound and movement that wants to naturally come out with it. Spend a few minutes dropping in with just breath.
Connect with your Rebel Archetype: Start to search for a piece of yourself that represents the rebel. This could be an inner teen piece, or maybe even young adult piece. It could also be Kali, Shiva, the Witch, the troublemaker, the revolutionary, the free spirit, the outlaw. Find the representation that is unique to you and your journey.
Embody it: Allow this archetype of the rebel to become you. Let yourself see through their eyes, feel with their hands, think with their mind, feel with their emotions. Drop in fully to this archetype. If you're struggling with this then just imagine what it would be like to drop in.
Wallow in it: Think of all the ways you were held back by what society forced you to be. Don't be politically correct here. Wallow in your pain and misery. Wallow in society's pain and misery. Scream, punch pillows (safely), cry, stomp around, howl at the moon! Let yourself feel the depth of this rebellion. Keep going until it feels complete and try to spend at least 7 minutes embodying and wallowing in it.
Meditate: End by either laying down or sitting up and just focusing on the sensations in your body for a few minutes. Listen to the voices that come up and gain wisdom from this practice.
Repeat in time: You can't fully embody the rebel once and hope for all your broken parts to finally be healed. This is a practice to repeat many times. If you're really struggling with the rebel, then try the practice every day for a week. I promise it gets easier to hold as you fully allow yourself to go there.
INSPIRED ACTION: Give this practice a try and then journal about what came up. There is immense wisdom in the rebel archetype within you!
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