This is a tough story to tell. Looking back on my life I can see all the events that led me to lose my ability to say no to men. And I can also see that I was never taught to say no. As a child in the 90's it was instilled in me from birth to always do what your parents say, to let people hug you even if you didn't want it, and that no was not a part of your vocabulary. I understand this from some perspectives. You want your kids to do what you say. But it also teaches them to not have boundaries and to push through even when it was uncomfortable. Here's my story.
I was touched non-consensually as a child many, many times. I honestly didn't know what was happening. I was curious and confused. It was never violent. But somehow, I knew it was wrong in some way. I knew not to tell my mom. And I never said no.
This last bit I didn't even realize until years into therapy. I never said no. I just let it happen, maybe even encouraged it to happen sometimes. I was never taught boundaries. I was never taught what consent was. Because this empowers children, and I can see why parents don't want their children to have too much power. It becomes more difficult to control them. But it also protects them. I was not protected; I imagine because I was always assumed safe. When I have children, I will teach them how to say no.
I dissociated all these memories from my childhood. Literally didn't remember any of them for years. My subconscious mind had to protect me, and the only way it knew how was to block the memories. I remember being angry and confused for so long and didn't know why. I would listen to angsty music, like AFI, and feel so much rage. But I couldn't explain it.
I remember after cutting myself really badly my mom sent me to therapy for the first time at age 14. I told him I'm just not a good girl, and he asked what made me think that. I couldn't come up with an answer, but I was just bad. Born wrong, I guess. He pushed me to reveal something deeper over and over. He knew something was down there, otherwise why would I want to hurt myself so much, but even I didn't know what was down there at that point. I remember thinking he was crazy, and that some people are just bad. I angrily walked out of there one day after not being able to remember again, and never went back. I wonder if he knew that I didn't know or if he thought I was hiding it.
Then I got my first real boyfriend when I was 18. And you can only imagine the kind of guy I was attracted to through all this trauma. He was a bad boy for sure. He often accused me of cheating, lied to me, and then cheated on me. And he took what he wanted. He asked to take a video of me going down on him. I remember saying no, and he argued that I didn't love him if I didn't do it, so I relented. Years later a strange girl on Facebook sent me the video accusing me of sleeping with her boyfriend, my ex. I ended up calling her and helping her see his lies and asked her to delete the video, which she says she did. But who knows.
He often didn't respect my boundaries, but I barely respected my boundaries or knew what they were, so it fit. But the moment I lost all faith in my no was one fall night. We were over at my friend's place; her parents were super cool about boys sleeping over. We were drinking heavily. And he had always badgered me about anal. And, although I was very sexually open to anything, this was one thing I had put my foot down about. It didn't make sense to me at 18. I never fantasized about it, never even tried to put anything up there. For me, this was the only hard no I had. So, of course he wanted to go there.
He pushed harder this night, again using my love for him as a weapon. If I loved him, I would want to make him happy, and this is the only thing that would make him happy. I relented (more correctly I was coerced). I said yes. And there in that back room of my friend's house that had old board games, gym equipment, and dirty clothes, I let him in. We didn't have lube, and I had never put anything up there, but he jammed his, unfortunately, big cock in. Immediately it hurt so bad. I said "NO! Stop! It hurts!", and he said it felt so good, to keep going. I stopped resisting and just let him finish. My no meant nothing to him. And the next day he made fun of me for it.
That no echoed in my mind for a decade. I couldn't figure out why I kept having that memory come up. Why that one? Of all the terrible things he did why this? The no echoed again and again. I didn't know it was wrong because I had said yes, and if you say yes then they can do whatever they want... I guess. I didn't call it rape until years later in therapy, when I realized I was coerced and had said no.
I still have scars from that night. A year after that night I was in college, and had some blood show up on my toilet paper. The doctor took a look and very matter-of-factly said that there were many fissures (scars) on my anus. I didn't make the connection at the time, but it was from the rape. There's no other explanation. Still today I have hemorrhoids, tearing, and discomfort from this incident.
I was extremely lucky to have met Dave after this in college. He was kind, consensual, caring, and independent. I remember him being shocked when I asked if I could hang out with my friends. He was like you don't need my permission. But when it came to sex, I only had one rule, no anal. And he respected that for our entire relationship. I also didn't get a chance to say no, though. I was a fuck yes to anything sexual. Because part of my trauma was hyper sexualization. If I just said yes to everything then I didn't have to deal with saying no.
Dave and I were monogamous for 8 years, then transitioned to polyamory. This was the first time since I was 19 that I was entering into sexual experiences with new partners. I remember the first time I had sex with another boy. I was overwhelmed and for some reason couldn't say no. No didn't feel safe. I went into shock for 24 hours. I couldn't figure out this response. I had lost my ability to say no to men sexually.
I was in talk therapy at the time, and we could piece all the reasons together WHY I couldn't say no, but we were never able to heal this response. But I was on a mission to heal my relationship with men. Through some trial and error, I was able to start saying no, but it always felt terrible. Then I met my current partner, Sweet Potato. He was the first real Dom I had ever been with, and this was something I very much wanted to explore. The BDSM world is heavy on consent, and I was amazed at how much Swet Potato was interested in my consent. There were so many opportunities for me to say no and yes. And when I said no, it was not only respected but celebrated!
This was the first time in my life that I was celebrated for saying no to a man sexually. This was a somatic experience because I could feel the whole no through my body. I felt safer and safer with Sweet Potato because I knew how much it mattered to him that I was authentically saying yes. I found incredible healing through this. But there was something else missing. Sure, I could say no to him, but I was still struggling to say no to strange men.
And then I started VITA coaching. The path to learn to become a VITA coach is intense, and you go through the entire process multiple times yourself to be able to do it to others. I've been coached over 40 times in this methodology. And somewhere in those sessions I met my no. After dealing with my inner child many times and making her feel safe, my inner teen came out. And damn does she know how to say no! She's rebellious, vengeful, impolite, and mean. And she ain't afraid to say no to anyone.
Through liberating her, I am now able to stand defiantly in my no. I can channel her essence any time I need to say it and I don't feel bad about it. This somatic practice has absolutely changed how I relate to men and makes my yes so much more potent! I'm no longer in fear or shock when I say no. The nervous system response is fucking healed! That doesn't mean if something traumatic happens it won't reignite, but it means that I feel comfortable and confident saying no to men.
Talk therapy is about bringing attention to the why and how you react in your nervous system, but it's not well equipped to help you heal those responses. Talk therapy took me to surviving. Coaching took me to thriving.
Get my 3 free audio guides for Somatic Inner Child Liberation here: www.lonateachesbliss.com
INSPIRED ACTION: How do you say no? Is it easy? Uncomfortable? Impossible? What were you taught about consent and boundaries as a child? And how could this impact how you respond today to them?
Commentaires