She is a feisty babe! Huge anger problems. Disregards others. Doesn't like to show that she cares. And I love her. Why? Because I'm the only one that can. She generally pushed away everyone in her life that cared. Even my poor, sweet mother, who claims to have always loved me through those "tough phases". But we all know that there were points she really questioned that. I've had to do a ton of work to integrate this disconnected piece of me.
For years, I dealt with my inner child. This piece was dissociated, sad, confused, scared. I don't think I saw her smile until this year. And once I broke through and rescued my inner child, guess who came out full force? My inner teen, Lolita. The first time I met her she laughed in my face and tried to fight me.
Through much deep, somatic work with Lolita I've been able to transform her into my Dark Goddess. But something happened in my coaching session the other day. I get coached by a peer in the VITA program so that I can experience everything firsthand. I've been coached for over 25 hours already in this program, so I've done a ton of incredible work around this. But something was sticky around my worthiness to react to abandonment in a healthy way.
So, we took a somatic dive into this. I'm generally a pretty worthy person, so if you were to ask me how much I felt like was worthy in any aspect of my life I would probably say at least 7/10 or higher. But when it came to being worthy of reacting to abandonment in a healthy way my body was telling me a 2. This surprised even my coach, who has been struggling to find more ways for me to grow since I've been so committed to this work. I should've known. Abandonment is one of my biggest wounds.
I had never stood at a 2 in worthiness before and it was sad. I felt immediately it was my inner child, who showed up crying and disheveled. She was confused why I thought I deserved more than she ever got. Then I saw Lolita walking up. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. Anger, resentment, and pure fucking hatred. She yelled in my face that I didn't deserve what she couldn't have. Then she pulled out a sword and cut my head off.
I'm not afraid of what happens in these visions. I don't react as if they are true. My body knows, and I understand that it's all symbolic. Lolita hated me, resented me in my desire. I longed to forget her when I became an "adult". She was reckless, self-sabotaging, and cocky. I blamed her for making my life so difficult. I knew I was really a kind person underneath her, if only I could get rid of her. And I did get rid of her for years. She hid behind my inner child for a long time. Alone. Forgotten. Unloved.
But when I freed my inner child, she was also freed. And she came with a vengeance. Anger. Hostility. Disgust. She wanted attention and love, but didn't know how to ask for it. Beneath all her anger was sadness. A pit of sadness that was unquenchable. Through allowing her space to express her feelings, giving her a safe space within me to live, and creating a strong connection where she knew I wouldn't leave her again I was able to transform her into a powerful Dark Goddess within me. But she is not required to be that for me 24/7. And there's one issue that she wouldn't leave. Abandonment.
Of-fucking-course it's fucking abandonment! It's so frustrating that it's abandonment, and also makes perfect sense. Not only were we abandoned by multiple people in multiple heart-breaking ways, but I abandoned her, too. And I don't think I had ever truly understood this until now. She cut my head off because that's a representation of the pain that she feels towards me. Sure, she could forgive, but she didn't forget. So, when it came to me feeling worthy she thought "HELL NO TO THIS BITCH". She cannot have what I can't even have.
So, I had to give her what she needed. I had to be the one person that is here for her, even when she cuts my head off. I called in my Goddess, my highest expression of myself to help because frankly, my body was now dismembered on the floor. Help felt appropriate. When the Goddess showed up, she gently told Lolita that we cannot change the past, we can only change the future. She showed her who we could be if we could live with a healthy reaction to abandonment. Because you can find abandonment everywhere if you're sensitive enough to it. Sometimes if my partner leaves the room without saying why I'll start crying and have to go find him to make sure he didn't leave and that he still loves me. If I look for it, it is always there around every corner, waiting to take me down. I cannot escape the feelings of abandonment. I can only change the way I react to it.
Lolita saw this future the Goddess had created, and the Goddess asked her "Do you want other people to have this kind of control over you? Do you want MEN to have this kind of control over you?". The Goddess knew what Lolita would answer. Lolita doesn't want to be under anyone's thumb! This wasn't about me and what I was worthy of anymore. This was about everything that Lolita stood for. She was a strong, independent lady to a fault, and there was no way she was letting someone else make her feel this way. Never!
So, I pulled up a scenario of me being abandoned where my partner gets up and walks away, never to return. And as I watched him walk away something outstanding happened. Something that made me believe in the world again. Something that broke through some 16-foot-deep wall in my heart and catapulted me into a new timeline. As he walked away from me, Lolita emerged from his back and walked towards me. Not in hatred or resentment of him, but to support me. She said that when people abandon me, that she will be there for me even harder. I cried tears of joy. We embraced, and I told her I would never leave her again. My inner child peered out from behind me and asked, "is it safe?", and Lolita and I answered together, "YES!".
This was the single most impactful coaching or healing session I have ever had! And I wouldn't have been able to get there on my own. My coach masterfully lead me through this process. Sure, I create all the visualizations, but she knew exactly when to call in help, stay with the feelings, and invited many new questions and scenarios for me to be with Lolita. This work is so tough on your own because you're so lost in your own sauce that the experience becomes foggy. You can't see outside it. This is the power of a coaching container.
If you desire to be held in a safer space like this one, to dive deep into what's blocking your worthiness, or your pleasure, then sign up for a Bliss Blueprint Discovery Call today. I'm currently giving these complimentary calls to anyone who wants to know if this coaching can help them. In this 30-minute call we explore your deepest desires around sex, love, and relationships so that I can discover if this coaching can work for you, then you'll get a blueprint of what that coaching could look like, tailored to your specific situation. There are special discounts on the coaching packages available just for getting on the call with me. Plus, whether you sign up for coaching or not, you'll receive a free gift. I created these calls so you get something out of it no matter what. Book at www.lonateachesbliss.com/coaching
INSPIRED ACTION: Have you ever interacted with your inner teen? Do they need more attention? Do they need love? Have you ignored them for a while? Or are they doing just fine? You can go in and give them whatever they need right now! Just ask them what they desire, then give it to them. In your mind and body there is infinite space and time. If they need to be loved for 100 years, then do it. It can happen instantaneously. Don't underestimate the power of the inner teen.
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