I've been on a journey lately to learn how polarity can be utilized more in relationships to ignite passion. I think it's so easy in longer term relationships to lose that spark that once propelled so much of the connection so effortlessly. Yet, in Western society especially, we are not really taught how to sustain it. In fact, we're mostly taught that that spark wanes, and we are supposed to just be ok with that. Well, I'm not ok with that. So, let's explore how reigniting passion in your most intimate relationships can happen using polarity!
Think of polarity as a pole. A very long pole. On one end we have masculinity, and the other femininity. They are connected, yet opposite. They play together but also repel each other. And we each have this full spectrum within us. No one is all feminine, and no one is all masculine. No matter your gender expression you contain both. However, you also likely have a core pole and a secondary pole. 8 times out of 10 a woman will have a core feminine pole, and a man will have a core masculine pole. About 10% of the time someone has a balanced pole, meaning they are balanced between masculine and feminine. Having a balanced pole might be expressed by intersex and non-binary people, but also not necessarily. And about 10% of the time a woman will have a stronger masculine pole, and a man will have a stronger feminine pole. This doesn't mean a person will be trans because of this, but it might.
So, you can see that it doesn't only have to do with your gender expression. Only you can know the truth of your polarity. And it can also be affected by trauma. I believe that I have a core feminine pole, yet I feel that I've lived a lot of my life from the masculine pole because I didn't trust men in my life to hold it, and I thought the feminine was weak. Through spiritual practice, healing, and gaining trust in my male partners I have reawakened that core feminine pole in me.
Whatever your pole is, we are usually most attracted to the opposite. If one partner is very masculine, then they often seek a very feminine partner. If one partner is maybe 30% masculine and 70% feminine, they will seek a partner who is about 30% feminine and 70% masculine. However, if a partner is balanced, they will often seek a balanced partner. This is their true compliment. You might know you're balanced if the talk about these masculine and feminine poles doesn't make a lot of sense to you, and you prefer a partner who isn't overly feminine or masculine. This is perfectly normal. And most people will feel that draw between the masculine and feminine.
This is also true for gay and lesbian couples. Often the partnership will consist of one masculine and one feminine partner, even if they are both men or both women.
Look at the couples around you. There is most likely one that tends to be more goal oriented, more logical, more structured, and more decisive. While the other partner is often more emotional, caring, nurturing, vulnerable, compassionate and patient. I heard a great metaphor the other day. The feminine is like the ocean, expanding and contracting in all directions with the moon, flowing, free, and alive. The masculine is like a boat on the ocean, with a clear direction, a decisive course, and is riding the waves of the ocean as it expands and contracts. The boat cannot control the ocean, but it can skillfully move through it or be drowned by it. The healthy masculine is amazing at holding space for the healthy feminine to be in their fullest, wildest expression.
So, what does this all have to do with reigniting passion? Well, if you're in the 90% of people who have a core pole, then you can use this knowledge to create that spark over and over again by playing in the opposites. Since we all have both poles and we need both to move through our days in work, transit, raising kids, and everything else in life, we need space to return to our core. Your partnership can be that space.
First, get to know your core and your partners. Even through your past traumas. You can do this by writing out what your favorite traits are of your partner. Since we are drawn to the opposite, then you'll start to see a pattern of what you're attracted to, which tells you that you are probably the opposite of that. Maybe you love his strength, or you love how her heart opens so easily. Maybe you love how they take care of you, or you love her wild sexual expression. Understanding both of your cores is an important step in building that passion.
Next, you'll want to recognize and honor that you both have both. Maybe she is feminine, but at work she's a boss bitch who gets shit done. Her masculine is powerful and stunning and celebrated. But at the end of the day, she wants to return to her feminine. It can be exhausting being in our secondary pole for too long, even if we're amazing at it. We will always long to return to a space that allows us to be in our core pole.
Create a space where you can both return to your core pole. Let your relationship be that space where you can both turn back to that authentic expression, even if it's the only space that allows it to happen. Hopefully, you'll find space to be in your core more and more outside of your relationship, but you also might not. That's kind of the trick of modern society. Know that practice and the freedom to be in your core will help you be it in other areas with more ease.
So, we can create those spaces by understanding our partner and encouraging them to be in their all. This can be trickier for the masculine, actually. For the feminine, we need safety and trust to go into the full feminine. If the masculine can create that safety and trust, then the feminine flows surprisingly easily (outside of trauma responses). But for the masculine, many men have been taught that the masculine is toxic. They are afraid to step into their fullness. But anything can be toxic. Sure, the toxic masculine has done a lot of damage to this world. Still does. But the feminine can be toxic as well. There's a balance that exists between the healthy and the toxic. And I promise the healthy masculine is so needed in this world. It is actually craved by the feminine! And is so hard to come by.
So, I actually recommend discovering your own definition of what is masculine in your body first. Here's a journaling exercise for those with a masculine core to help. Write what you think the masculine is. Then write what your father taught you about being masculine. Then write what your community or religion taught you about what masculine is. Then write what media (and porn) taught you that the masculine was. Feel all of these as a weight on you, then shake them off. Shake hard. Shake violently. Shake until it feels like you've shaken off all the weight of what others told you to be in your masculine. Then write what you believe your masculine is. Your unique expression is what's important. Don't let others tell you exactly what the masculine is. Let yourself define it for you. And you can reverse this practice for the feminine if you like. I often feel like the feminine is more intuitive so it might not require such a logical practice to define.
Then each partner should start spending 30-minutes to an hour a day practicing being in your core. This can feel awkward at first, but I promise it will go a long way in building that polarity between you and your partner. If you're masculine then maybe you want to clean the garage one day, or get in your primal sexuality, or work towards your goals, or learn to build safety for your partner. If you're feminine maybe you want to take a bath, or play with your kids in a new and caring way, or get in your primal sexuality, or let your creativity flow. Don't let me define what you do, let it come from your core. If you're unsure, then do some research and try some things out and really listen to your core as you do them. Some will feel flat, and some will feel amazing! Follow what feels amazing! But don't use distractions like your phone, or media, or porn in this time. Let it come from your body.
When you start to feel comfortable being in your core, notice what happens in your partnership. Just notice. No expectations.
There should always be some sort of polarity that you're playing off of with your partner (for my 90% of couples in opposing cores). And when you start to really embody this polarity, magic starts to happen. Play up the differences. The differences are where the spark gets ignited. Don't be too similar. Don't try to do everything together. Space is where the spark gets air to grow. Cherish that space and when you come together feel the electricity it creates in both of you. Work to allow yourself to drop into the feminine and the masculine together. Let the masculine hold the safety and trust, let the feminine dance as the ocean in that freedom. Liberate yourselves through this dance.
A final note is another polarity I love. The Dominant and the submissive. Not every couple will want to explore this, but more that you think will find great value in it. Typically, the masculine core will be the dominant and the feminine core will be the submissive (again not having anything to do with gender). Learn about what it truly means to be dominant (there's an amazing book called The Dominance Playbook that can help you determine what your dominant role is. Dominance is about SO much more than aggression and tying someone down (although these can be fun, too). My favorite is soft dominance, where the dominant partner uses respect, warmth, and non-violence to get his submissive to do what he wants. There are infinite possibilities with this D/s dynamic. And it doesn't have to be sexual.
This actually allows the submissive partner the freedom to express as they want. And really builds on that polarity! By giving up some of your power as a submissive to your Dominant they are empowered to be in their masculine. Always have verbal and non-verbal safe words that can stop the play at any time for any reason. But within this dynamic we can play these roles on an even deeper level. It can be freeing to give your power up and to take on the power of someone else. There's an integrity you must have to the play as a Dom, and a freedom of expression you must have to play as a sub. This can be a really beautiful way to continue to ignite that polarity over and over and over in infinite ways!
I mentioned that this can be tough to work through with trauma responses that are very active. If you're finding that it's very difficult for you to let go and surrender into your core, then maybe it's time to look into some coaching. I offer the kind of transformative coaching that will allow you to drop into your masculine or feminine with more ease and flow. Check out the coaching tab today and book a Bliss Blueprint Discovery Call to see if it's the right fit.
INSPIRED ACTION: Discover what your core is and what your partner's core is. This is the most important step. Notice if there's a discrepancy. Is your partner actually balanced, and you're feminine? These discrepancies aren't impossible to work through, but you'll really have to try to manage them. Notice how these discrepancies could be the underlying issue to some of the problems in your relationship. And notice if your polarities are complimentary and then work to make space for you to play up that polarity so that even if your relationship is the only space you get to drop in to your core, that that space is celebrated and nurtured! Reigniting passion through playing up this polarity!
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