It hasn't happened yet. I haven't reclaimed my bliss yet after getting assaulted. I'm still angry, and frustrated, and overwhelmed. I turned to smoking weed, sex, and tv to help me cope. And I'm so disconnected from my pussy right now. Self-sabotage is my friend. And crying is still pretty frequent. Yet I'm not a failure. I'm just a human. And when I'm ready, here's how I plan to reclaim my bliss.
I was assaulted by an Uber driver a few weeks ago (which I explain in a previous blog post). And it sucked. This wasn't the worst time I've ever been groped, unfortunately. But it was the most disempowering and scary. My brain went into survival mode, and that's a scary place for me to be. You see, because of childhood sexual trauma, I was in survival mode for years. A place I haven't been in a while. And a place I don't wish to go back to. In survival mode I become dissociated, uninterested, empty, and reckless. I don't care about taking care of myself or anyone else. And it's a scary reminder of how I used to live.
To enter into survival mode in my brain was a jarring experience after so long without it. I'm reminded, actually, of how far I've truly come. And at the same time, I was plunged into that cold experience again as if no time had passed. It's strange what the brain does in response to trauma. And I'm so much more experienced and knowledgeable now! One would think that I, of all people, would easefully and quickly transition back to healed. But aren't the doctors always the worst patients?!
Sure, my coach has been wildly helpful. She helped me feel and move the stuck emotions. She helped me reconnect to my pussy and hold her in care. She helped me feel seen and heard and loved. And it still wasn't enough to stop me from self-sabotage and disconnection. And of course, the shame that followed it. I was scared to share this part of the story with you. To remind you that I'm not perfect, either. To admit that I want to escape this reality with drugs and sex and numb my mind with tv. But that wouldn't be the full story, and I don't want you thinking I'm perfect.
I want to remind you that healing is not a perfect journey. That falling apart is ok, too. That picking up old habits after trauma is pretty common. And that failing is only failing if you give up hope. I thought I was beyond my survival mode days. I thought my biggest traumas were over. I thought no man would ever be able to do that to me again. And oh, how expectations are laughed at by the universe. I'll never be completely done with trauma. I can only continue to grow how I respond to it.
So, last night I took a baby step in the direction of healing. I rode my bike all the way to the weed store, and I stood outside for 5 minutes grappling with my desire to escape. And I decided that I didn't need it tonight. I didn't go in the store. I went home and did some cleaning, watched a movie, and ate chocolate. And instead of getting down on myself for watching tv and eating chocolate I celebrated that I said no to weed. Small steps, but steps none the less. Now I must make another choice. One that will be in the direction of healthy balance and harmonious living. So, here's how I plan to reclaim my bliss slowly, easefully, and without shame or guilt.
Honesty. First, I have to be totally honest with myself. I like to smoke weed, have sex, and watch tv because I like to escape my reality. Sure, there are times when it's social and fun. But right now, I have to accept my vices. Weed, sex, and tv are not evil. The reasons I'm using them are just unaligned with my desires. So, what are my desires? To find peace, love, and wholeness through this trauma. And do my vices help? Well, maybe a little in the moment. But it's also distracting me from doing the work that will ultimately set me free. And the honest truth is also that I'm struggling more than I want to admit. I don't want a man to have this kind of control over me. I want to reject this trauma response because I don't want to admit I'm hurt. But rejection and dishonesty will not help me heal. So, here's the truth. I'm hurt, and I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I'm scared, and I don't know how to support myself.
Connection. When I'm ready, I want to reconnect to my body, emotions, and energy. I'll do this through many Tantric practices I know like breathwork, dance, sounding, energy work, and mindfulness. The first thing I've tried to get back to is meditation, and that's been amazing. And it also feels like I'm a little scared of the really big practices right now. That I'm scared of what's hiding in my body. Through allowing myself space to connect to it and feel, I'll be able to move these big feelings and reconnect with my body.
Rage and Grief. Behind almost all of my anger is sadness. The tricky thing is that I must feel the rage first in order to get to the grief. I didn't write the rules of my brain, I just have to follow them. I need to find a safer space that I can relinquish control of my anger and let it out. I need to feel it as fully as possible so that I can access the grief. I need to be able to feel it so that it can let go. I'm frustrated that it needs to go in this order, but I'm happy I know myself enough to see the path. I'll use Tantric Emotional Liberation practices for this.
More coaching. This spat of trauma is bringing up other traumas in me. Ones that I thought I had dealt with but still remain. I intend to continue my coaching journey and through ancient Tantric practices and cutting edge somatic healing I will find the conscious and unconscious blocks that are still plaguing me and turn them into my biggest allies. I will find pleasure, connection, and peace in my body again. And I will heal. (Find out more about coaching here)
Never give up. I will also not give up the case against this Uber driver. One thing that keeps being difficult and bringing up more trauma is dealing with the police. Each step dealing with them has sunk me back into a deeper hole of despair. The case is now with the detectives. It will go to the prosecutor after that. And if it goes to trial (unlikely) I will have to testify. Each of these steps has caused me more pain. I can see how much easier it would have been to not report this. Yet, I stay strong. I bare this burden because of all the other women who could be protected. So, if my healing journey is harder and more erratic because of reporting then I must accept this journey, too. I will allow myself to fall apart more if I need to. I will forgive myself for using my vices. I will start again. But I will not be defeated.
So, bear with me as I continue this unexpected journey. I may share many triumphs and heartbreaks through this. And some days it may appear that I'm doing a lot better, where the next I struggle. The path to healing is not linear. I may relapse again. I may self-destruct for a bit longer. But I will never give up.
INSPIRED ACTION: What are you struggling with? And are you ashamed of how you've dealt with it? Is there room for grace and trust and honesty? You don't have to be perfect in your healing journey. You can fall apart. You can return to vices. But don't ever give up on the journey to wholeness.
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